I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
