you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
