They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
