Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
