Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Im part way to drunk.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
