I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
