i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
