literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
