i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
