I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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