if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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