I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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