did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
