That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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