Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
