Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
