i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
