that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize