I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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