happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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