I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
