There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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