No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
