dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
