a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
