I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
