phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
