Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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