i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
