He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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