I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
