Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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