Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
