from now on my penis is your penis
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
