My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
