The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
third nipple confirmed
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
