haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
