I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
