And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
