Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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