so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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