I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize