I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
