i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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