so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
These tits shall not be calmed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
