Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
