it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
