my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
