the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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