My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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