Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
