I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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