i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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