You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
