i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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