worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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