I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
