He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
