i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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